And now, the letter…
Mmmhhh… so continuing from the previous post, here’s the letter that I wrote. Somehow I am not as enthusiastic about it as I was before. I don’t even know why it was so important for me to write it or even post it. I guess it’s me needing to be heard.
I am of two minds now. Not sure if I have resolved anything. Except maybe the chance to have a one-sided conversation and make up for being really slow… Anyway, here’s the letter:
Dear Lover,
You know one of the most beautiful things about me, I think, is how much I love love… it’s kinda my thing.
My biggest wish has been, and remains, to find this Big Love. The other night we spoke and I was not clear about the things I thought I wanted. You insisted that I knew what I needed. And I said I was not sure. I was not being disingenuous— my processor was overwhelmed by you and so things were just not ringing true in that special inner place where true wishes do.
Afterwards, nearly a week later to be honest, I was able to access myself in a way that I have not done in a long while.
It probably does not matter but I finally realized what I want. Lover, I desire to be loved deeply and truly. Being with you the other night showed me how intimacy could be. How much I missed being connected to someone. How much I really wanted to love someone back, to touch them, to nurture them, to fulfill their desires, to be close — and perhaps to give them the things they secretly wish for too — and maybe help them uncover bits and pieces of themselves they thought were lost to life experiences and disappointments.
Sometimes, like now, I am overwhelmed by how romantic and idealized my thoughts are regarding love. I am afraid that my desire to be loved in such a specific way stands in the way of me finding love. But while I know there is a good chance that these could remain longings (I am so aware of time passing), I am so totally convinced about the one thing that I cannot possibly give up: I deserve to be loved fiercely and decisively— not to be someone’s ambivalent number one. But to be wholly and boldly desired. To be chosen as the One.
Despite being now so clear about what I desire and seek — I am terribly scared to admit it — sometimes, even to myself.
I want to thank you, Lover, for helping me realize how important it is for me to be loved and wholly accepted and to be able to bear witness to this showing of love without confusion. Without hesitation. And without shame of the sometimes bearing of my insecurities and neediness.
(I am so incredibly aware of my own imperfections and inadequacies).
So you were right. I do want to be able to point and say, “Mine.” But above all this, I want the chance to be loved and to love unconditionally — and desired too — with unwavering conviction!
Conviction… Not a very romantic notion, huh?
xoxoxo
So now…
So that was the letter. I am so hopeful that I will find someone who will be sure about me.
And one who will (gasp!) give me their heart.
And that I shall be in the privileged position of loving them too and hopefully doing it in the way they desire the most.