It’s been close to a year since I posted anything on this beautiful website. This year has been one of the hardest ones yet. I lost my writing mojo and lost my darling Father. It’s been grueling. Some days I know who I am and some days I am lost. The words to express the grief are just beneath the surface on my pain — but it’s so very hard to reach myself. And so I have been in a holding pattern.
I had a conversation with my brother yesterday. And I encouraged him about managing the sadness we feel by setting a minimum number of activities for each day. Right after Daddy died, I started with one activity minimum. I had to shower. And even then, showering was often not taking a real shower. It was hard. And then with time, I raised my minimum to three activities per day of which taking a real shower was not negotiable. You see, in the past, when I have battled depressive feelings, taking a shower has been so hard. So I knew if there’s one thing I should deal with decisively, it is showering. I leave the day open for two major activities that may include work or just managing life as an adult.
I feel like I am ready to make an upgrade to five activities per day. Showering properly is one of them and now, exercise is another. I have to put in at least 30 minutes per day. I think I will still leave two major activities open and for the last slot, I have to get the writing in.
Writing keeps me balanced and keeps me sane. It puzzles me when I am unable to write. I can’t tell if it is a sign of the state of my inner being or if it is a consequence of my true state of mind. I suppose it doesn’t quite matter. I need to do better because it really does make me feel better.
I guess my fifth commitment is about balance in the end. Writing gives me balance. And so I will write.