One of my favorite musicians is Damien Rice. He sings from somewhere deep and well, I connect to that. So in one of my favorite live albums, he talks about recognizing a strong relationship between his creative spirit and depressive state. I mean, talk about the fringe benefits of melancholia. He goes on to say that he is unsure of how he would continue touring because he really was not planning on being depressed. But his audience could identify with what he was saying and there were chuckles all around.
I have been thinking a lot about Damien and this conversation because it speaks to one of the consequences of growth. Growth means that we shift and move – we go beyond our artificial boundaries of comfort – sometimes, we are literally thrown into places we never thought we could move. And suddenly, it’s as if this new environment is carrying us – and in my case, shifting my creativity along with it.
Not too long ago, I lived in fear of this experience. I generally like things I can control – or situations that re-affirm my position of control. Growth and change have been, in the past, quite difficult for me – maybe it’s all the flux that’s involved – but I think it is mainly the feeling that I needed to walk blindly for a while.
Because I am growing, I am encouraging myself to embrace the idea that I can trust myself to be in any space and to retain my creativity, my drive, and most of all – my self.
I remember when I first got Pooch, my fear was that I would not be a good enough dog parent and worse, that after a few weeks, I would grow tired of this creature that I had brought into my world. I was surprised when actually my affection for this puppy grew. I was even more surprised when I shifted my lifestyle to accommodate him and all the feelings that I project on him. (I even went as far as creating little rituals that allow me to feel like Pooch is living his best life, too!). I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I didn’t lose myself but instead that I expanded – that I was more. I had texture and dimension.
So I guess, for me today, growth is not about discomfort so much as it is about trusting myself. Trust that I will be carried when I require, that I will expand when I need to, and that I will discover all sorts of pleasures when I allow myself to be more.
I don’t know how growth will shape my creativity as a writer and as a person in this year – but I am sure I will be more. And that is enough.