Today was a rough day for me. I was basically okay but had a case of melancholia. I was very happy when my nap on the couch went by slowly and time didn’t zip through as it usually does. I woke up from my nap without a panic or anxiety so that was great! But I couldn’t explain this sunken feeling.
When I have the blues, if I can explain the source, I am more likely to ride the wave faster. But I couldn’t pin this one down.
Usually, it is part longing for someone to be with me on lazy Sunday afternoon. Part of it is loneliness and the tension of walking a space where I desire the alone time too. Part of it is despair because I can’t figure our fast enough what I want. Part of it is wondering if this is all that life has to offer. Part of it is playing victim, part of it is fatigue, part of it is the neurotic brain, and part of it is… just exhausting.
And even after all that, I couldn’t understand why I had this feeling of emotional distress. I couldn’t journal it away. I couldn’t screen it away – you know, watch enough Netflix episodes of a show and put myself in a catatonic state. I tried a couple of empowering thoughts. A half-ass attempt at meditation. I tried to get into a quick HIIT workout. But then there not enough that I could do.
And so I gave in to the sadness and waited for it to seep out of my pores.
It was a long day.