So I talked about changing direction in an earlier post and how this year was a major year for me. In the post I talk about having a “Damascus” experience — yet another biblical reference — been so full of those lately. But my use of the expression was really to capture the life changing aspect of the experience I have had this year.
I have been struggling with grief and depression for a while. It’s been nearly three years of being in this deep dark hole. You know the kind where you sit in a corner, knees to your chest, and wait it out because there’s just nowhere to go except to sit in the muck of sadness. I swear I cried so much in the shower, wailed for God to help me, and called upon every ounce of will power in order to make it through the last year.
But earlier in the year I also realized that I needed to get better. I kept looking for a solution. I wanted to try anti-depression pills but got spooked out the first time I took a dose. I continued with talk therapy but I wasn’t really getting through. We tried this technique with my therapist and it was a success. I was able to get to the root of my immediate issues and I am not sure how it all works… all I know is that I have relief. It’s been a process of peeling back the layers and dealing with the surprises that I find. Now, the burden of sadness that plagued me everyday, making it hard to do even the littlest of things, is loosening its grip on me. I feel like I can breath.
It was tough dealing with depression and for such a long time. I can do the moods and the depressive episodes — I know that we are not promised all sunny, freaking-hippy-happy days. I can do the ups and downs like everyone else… I just couldn’t do the every day of it. It was draining and it was like this secret I kept inside… not because I was keeping things secret but because depression is isolating.
The breakthrough with the treatment has been slow but steady. I definitely knew something had changed but it wasn’t until a few weeks after the treatment that I realized how badly I had been doing. I can only describe it as waking up the morning after a whole night of storms and walking through the damage. I didn’t realize how much my writing had suffered. I had neglected my physical health too — my quality of sleep was bad, no exercise, wild food binges — and well, I was just not happy.
As I am getting better, I am also realizing how much work has to go into reclaiming the time… the reflection, the focus back on my physical health, writing, and staying healthy. The change in direction for me is about this effort and it extends to about what I write, how I share myself, and experience life in general.