I feel like I have written a confessional with this same title before.
Let me let you in on a secret. I love to write about love partly because of my journey to finding love. So let me lay the ground work so that you understand why writing about love is so linked to my own experiences and search. First, I believe in the big love. I think there is that quintessential experience of love that we are all entitled to as human beings. This experience comes as part of your package for going along on this journey called life. Some people are so fortunate to have this experience multiple times, others have near misses, but you are guaranteed at least one Big Love experience.
The Big Love experience, to me, begins with finding the match.
For some people, the experience of match finding is like a comet flying through space and into the atmosphere — all fire — and it is good for them. Everything about them is explosive: the way they love each other, defend each other, fight each other, etc. And while the explosion fools people into thinking that they are wrong for each other, there is a sacred place of balance where they regularly check into and moderate their issues so that they fire does not consume them. Sometimes, though, the comet lovers forget to check into the sacred space and well, things fall apart. And not in the sophisticated way that Chinua Achebe writes in his book.
Other Big Love experiences are like a warm, gentle fire burning under the skin… just enough to warm the blood and skin, but not enough to cause injury or harm. Because the fire is delicate and just beneath the surface, things can be a bit sensitive to touch. The ones who experience this kind of match are like those animals you heard in church choruses that walk two by two into Noah’s Ark. Or like the picture of lovers pricked by Cupid’s Arrow… a little cliche but so well match. Their experience of this beneath-the-surface affection is fulfilling even for those watching from outside. It’s like always having a mug of hot chocolate, warm socks, and a beautiful grey sweater, looking outside the window on a cold, damp day. This under-the-skin Big Love is steady, safe, and always present. It is comforting, rarely explosive, and easy to approve of — especially where judgey friends are concerned. There may a bit of passive aggressive behavior in this love but there’s no doubting it. But often doubt creeps in through insensitive behavior or taking things for granted. Because it is so steady and present, it is easy to forget to nurture its glowing embers.
Then there is another experience of Big Love that begins deep in the heart. And this one has the absolute ability to shift your insides. Sometimes the love is so consuming, it makes your insides hurt. And if you sit right, you can feel the tightening of the muscle that is your heart because this deep love physically manifests itself and makes itself known. Sometimes when I try to describe this type of Big Love, I am reminded of the Kiswahili proverb (methali) — Mapenzi ni kikohozi, hayawezi kufichika — Love is like a cough, it cannot be hidden. It’s so full of big gestures and events and monumental happenings. It can be quite exhausting especially if unhealthy competition sets in. And it can end up being belittling and can kill the healthy roots that settle this love in the inner core of the heart.
My absolute favorite of the Big Love is the one that is not obvious and is hard to figure out. For an overthinking lover, it can be a nightmare because it is not quite rational. It is mismatched. And because it just is, it can’t be explained. This particular love almost always never fits the typical ideas of love … this experience is filled with mystery and surprises and not knowing. It’s hard to predict which way this Big Love will go. It is as fulfilling as it is nerve wracking. It is a pure exercise in faith. There are no guarantees but the ride is worth it all.
So where was I going with this again? … aaah yes… we are all guaranteed at least one Big Love experience and I think I already experience it once before. But the Big Love experience did not materialize into a Forever Love. So I keep looking…. because surely my story is not over yet, right?