Your voice, strong and measured, explained to my mother and father why we had to leave together.
Mama always thought you were slightly short of worthy and I could never understand why. When I was young I thought money and provision were all a steady marriage needed.
Papa was not as vocal but often asked me if what you gave me was enough. My answers left much unanswered because the exchanges between Mama and Papa’s eyes were silent and swollen with opinion.
I realized I needed more when our marriage was a dry desert and when my tears dried, I had nothing but crusty yellow stains on my dark skin. Your money was unable to fill the gap in our union that needed even a splash of you to keep it going.
When your voice rang with promises of love and improvements, I could only scoff because years of waiting had made me weary of your promise. I walked out the door in exhaustion because the message between the lines reeked of your unknowing and I was unwilling to be your teacher.
My parents reluctantly took my lead. To them it was the most personality they had experienced of you. They were reluctant because the surety of your body and language made them question my sanity. My responses to their questions were sighs of the tired that souls in purgatory are familiar. My parents eyes still had opinions but their words still gave me safe haven.
At night, I had a dream. You came to me in the way I always wished you had in the time we were together. Instead of convincing my parents you spoke directly to me. Instead of promises, you asked for forgiveness. In humility you offered an opportunity to understand your heart. You asked me to hop on your precious motorcycle and ride to an unknown destination that offered respite from all your responsibilities and musts! I was seduced but denied myself for fear of hoping and being disappointed again. You left but only after a plea for me not to give up on you. My despair was far more relentless and I woke up with only sadness.
Your next visit and the next and the next, were designed to show me how much you loved me and needed me, when all I wanted was a sign that you were committed to the fragile vulnerability required to build the empire of us already thriving beyond the eyes of my heart. My longing for us to live in the constructed harmony inside me deafened the calls of your soul to mine. As ships in the night, we only missed collision but lost each other.
“Will you punish me forever?”
“You taught me to question my wisdom and knowing of you. Can I trust you ever?”