It’s been a long minute. I haven’t written in so long. Part of it has been life happening but most of it has been my head screwing with me. As much as writing is fulfilling and the one thing I want to do all day — I am riddled with insecurities and sometimes, I get in my own way. I get so scared of doing it wrong that I just stop. I paralyze myself and think of the one million ways I am not ready.
I now know the ins and outs of self-sabotage like nobody’s business.
In many ways, this blog is a confessional for me. It allows me to get rid of the gunk and clutter that gets in the way of the juicier stuff that I want to write. Sometimes though my mind can be like the bedroom of a hoarder — a huge mess. And so getting to a place where I can shut off the noise is quite a task. A task of ordering, cleaning out, dealing with, and putting in everything in the right place.
I suppose the task of writing will never be as straightforward as I would like it to be. But I want to get better at moving through these neurotic rituals I have — the working through the gunk, the silencing of the naysayer writer, the emergence of the compulsive planner, the ever learning student, the short-lived debut of the positive and hopeful storyteller… and all those other things I do that keep me from my chief aim.
So this part of my journey is about accepting and cycling through my issues faster. And hopefully the outcome will be better.